Divorce with children can often have a lot of impact, not only on yourself as a parent, but certainly also for the child involved. How do they actually experience a divorce?
Divorce is usually painful. Especially when children are involved. Now in my case they are still very young, and although divorce does not really have any advantages, I see that as a small ray of hope in our case. Soon they may not know any better, however much I wish they had.
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Not only for yourself, but also for the children, it is desirable to make good contact arrangements or to draw up a parenting plan during the divorce. It is nice if you can and want to work it out together with the help of a mediator. She represents the interests of all parties and, in our case, certainly looks at what is good for the children.
Read also: Breaking up, how do I tell my child?
Thank God it's been going well for us so far. We also try to make it clear to the children that they do not have to choose sides, and we both strive for smooth co-parenting. We make it clear that even though the ways may part, they are allowed to love both. Talking negatively about the other person in front of the children is also something that does not happen with us (as far as I know).
What I especially notice during this process is that the children want to be so loyal. They somehow have the idea that they have to choose mom or dad after all, and that's why the oldest sometimes says; Mom, I don't like Dad that much. In which case I indicate that I think so. Then I see him thinking….oh, so anyway…and then a smile appears. Yes he says; I'm a joker, aren't I mama, I like daddy too.
Divorce with children is a delicate matter. Children often suspect that something is wrong before a divorce. But once parents split up, it suddenly comes as a shock to them. It can lead to uncertainty and confusion. Some kids will think the divorce is their fault and try to do everything they can to make things right. However, the feeling that they have to choose one of the two parents can remain for a long time.
Now in many cases a divorce mainly means 'loss'. Loss of the family, foundation and daily presence of both parents. But also major changes such as a move, a different financial situation, a different school and the like mean a loss for the child. These things happen to them without them being able to do anything about it themselves.
I think that's so bad, I never thought I would ever end up in such a situation, let alone that I wanted to do this to my children. For me as a mother, the divorce gives me a feeling of failure and powerlessness. You would want to do everything for your children, to let them keep the familiar family, which is then not possible.
The only thing we can do now as parents is to arrange the divorce with children as well as possible for all parties. We want to arrange the divorce in good harmony, especially for the children. Make sure it doesn't turn into a fight divorce, because that doesn't benefit anyone, right?
Read also: the aftermath of a broken relationship for you and your child
A fantastic foundation has been set up for all children of divorced parents. Villa Pinedo Foundation † Here young people of divorced parents have started working as experts by experience and they give advice to children. Some write blogs to share their experience with others. They also make adults aware of what goes on in the minds and hearts of children with divorced parents. In this way, separating with children comes in a slightly different light for the kids. If you are having a hard time as a child of divorced parents, you can even request a buddy (from 12-13 years old)!
Through them I got some more information about being a child in a divorce;
Looking for even more information? These books can give you and your child a helping hand!
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