A well-known song by Stef Bos, 'Daddy I look more and more like you', which everyone knows. Chantal Janzen also sang it again afterwards and man… that was tearful here. How recognizable…
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The closer my father's death anniversary gets, the more I need to listen to this song. Is this torturing yourself I wonder?
A sentence from the song 'Daddy I look more and more like you' that I recognize like this. So true, because what you did or how you talked I would never do it to my child later on. Never so protective, never with raised voice you name it. But more and more often I hear terms coming out of my mouth like you used to place statements. I can also say to my hubby more and more often, my father would now say this or that to you.
I find it so terribly difficult, because you know it has been 4 years now. I think that according to many I must have moved on with my life, and of course I am. And the bond with my father seemed difficult, well he was not the easiest man. But he was my father who did not shy away from a discussion, did not hide his opinion.
September and October are the hardest months for me, September is my birthday and ever since my father left, I'm having such a hard time that the very man who congratulated me for over 30 years is no longer there on the day itself. This year was the first time that I didn't cry about it (also because the death of my aunt that same day played a role).
Then comes his birthday. The day itself and the day after I walk with a bad feeling in my body, but I keep myself big. Now we are approaching his death anniversary and every day I think of him and that terribly beautiful song. I like to talk about him and about his death (to talk about that sounds absurd of course, but I want to tell my story). I think back to the times when we liked to listen to music, go out together for a day, even the last times I saw him.
I always thought I was a terrible mama's girl, but how wrong I was. I was also really a daddy's girl, this only shows more and more from 'missing'. Would like to be able to share things with him, et cetera. Is it really so crazy that I still want to share this with everyone? Maybe not and maybe people think I'm very closed off about him. Precisely because I want to appear strong, I limit myself to a small circle to talk about him. And then hope I'm not too whiny to them.
If I am invited by a colleague to a small company party that coincides exactly with the anniversary of my father's death, I say not to come because it is his death anniversary. Then I think, it's been 4 years now, I shouldn't be ready for a company party. Of course I decide that myself, but I don't shake that feeling.
What I also got from it is that I can't stand it when people around me have no contact with their parents or their child. I can cry about that and I try to talk like a bridge man to persuade them to talk it out with each other. I also realize that some differences are too big to get over, but if it's a small disagreement please don't be too stubborn and get over it, take that first step because before you know it it may be too late.
Never leave without greeting, because what you left in the morning cannot be there in the evening…
But daddy, I'm more and more like you. But daddy, I love you more and more
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