Receive a letter from a deceased loved one. We all want that. It happened to a 5-year-old boy from Germany, who missed his deceased grandfather so much. You must have read the message, it went viral last weekend. Everyone is full of praise for the anonymous finder of the balloon, who sent back a letter with teddy bear. Supposedly from grandpa. But is this the right way to deal with grief in children? I do not agree with all the favorable reactions to this well-intentioned action.
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The parents of the boy who is virtually inconsolable after the death of his grandfather decide to write a letter together to the grandfather in heaven. They tie the letter to a balloon and let it inflate. As part of the grieving process. A nice gesture. I can still go along with this, mourning in children works differently than with us. Whoever found the letter provided a moving response. He or she wrote, among other things, “”Your hot air balloon has flown so high that it came to heaven with me. Luckily I was able to catch him.” There was also a teddy bear with the letter, to comfort the boy when he is sad. Well-intentioned, but as a parent I'd give up here. I think this is cheating.
Apparently I'm one of the few who has trouble with this. "What a hero!" “That person deserves a ribbon!” I read on facebook. I'm just thinking, what if the kid finds out that Grandpa didn't send him a letter with teddy bear back at all? When he finds out the hard truth that people you love can die and never talk to you again? Not even from heaven, by mail. I'd be incredibly mad if I were that kid.
I tend to comment on Facebook as well. Then I come across a reaction from someone who, like me, has questions about this story. He is labeled by others as a 'vinegar scumbag'. Okay, I'm just not going to respond. "You also let children believe in Sinterklaas, don't be so difficult," it is said. Of course we do, we cheat on our children more often. Personally, I have less trouble with the Sinterklaas lie. Although I try not to lie too hard when asked by my children. “Mom, does Santa Claus exist?” Then I always bounce back the question, “What do you think?”
Sinterklaas is a character they don't really like. He only shows up once a year. A grandpa is an important part of real life. If you lose it, it's completely different from Sinterklaas sailing his boat to Spain again. This grief in children, that's what it's about, and as far as I'm concerned you handle it differently!
I think you better guide your child's grieving process by being honest. Provide comfort and support. Grief may be there, you cannot take it away. Not even by releasing balloons with letters, although that can help. A child can express his feelings that way. I just don't think you should fool a child.
Grandpa isn't coming back. I would like to help my child to accept this. And I don't think you do that with fake letters. No matter how good the intention is. What if your child wants to release such a balloon every week? When he has his first tooth out and wants to let Grandpa know? And then no letter comes back? Explain that.
Honesty lasts the longest..
Tip:Childhood grief can be a complicated subject. If you are in a situation where you want to help your child in his or her grieving process, this book may be of value. Helping children with loss. Or the book Lieve grandma Pluis by Dick Bruna.
More articles about grief and coping:
*Used image from Shutterstock
